had a bad day, again.
when will i truly realize that my children and the dog and the counter girl's b/f and the truck and the highway and the pathetic driver who cut me off are all one with me?
when am i going to understand it enough to actually become aware of it at the time of blood pressure lift off?
what is it going to take for me to just relax and have a paradigm shift?
how come i am not there yet, dammit?!
anger awareness is apparently where i sit on the scale..in other words, i'm not psycho enough to need anger management. yet.
it's not 'hard' i guess, to ask myself when i am busy having a heated exchange with myself while scrubbing the carpet space where pax doo-dooed yet again, what is angering you the most at the moment?
the hard part is to listen to the answer, to want to know the answer. because i know what the fucking answer is already.
i am a shitty dog owner.
i am a shitty mother.
i am not organized enough.
not cleanly enough.
not motherly enough.
not understanding enough.
i am a sucky wife.
i am self-centered.
i am controlling.
these things, why would anyone want to have answers like this?
the real fucking kicker is that even though i don't listen in a moment of awareness, my mind has already listened, has already been listening to this same message for the greater part of my thirty-one years on the planet.
i am worthless.
so, what choice do i have, really? i don't want to be worthless anymore. i am so fucking done with that shit.