i've come upon a time when i just don't feel like writing anything at all.
i've been blogging and not even every day - but more often than writing in my journal.
i was reading this book for therapy homework, something to do with self-esteem..the ins and outs of where the suffering is and the fixes to apply. other techy stuff as well which was better off skimmed, like the studies of this and that. but the point is, i didn't finish it, didn't even really start it..why?
because it was too difficult. right now, things are going rather smoothly, i suppose. i am at the point now where i can recognize when i am going down a false thought pattern tunnel. i can divert myself with minimal bruising.
i am still reaching, as well..still pushing myself towards a fuller detatchment, a wiser outlook on what is happening around myself.
you know, it is a fear of mine to look out for others or give of myself. i go through thinking that i can't possibly be rewarded as much as i am worth..not giving material things or my time a value per se, but myself reflected in that. so the drill would go: if someone doesn't like what i give then i am bad..etc. or if i think that someone didn't like what i give them..or if they don't react the way i've been picturing they should. and so on.
so i am speaking of detatchment from fear here. from this certain fear and others, from rusted beliefs and soul suffocating materialism in all it's forms.
i am starting with little steps, but each day i am again confronted with how selfish i can be. how easy it would be(and has when i've communicated with the grace) to just change my outlook in certain situations. how i hold on to my perceptions so jealously, how much i miss by allowing such a closed mindset.
and again i am impatient. this mea constant, i am filled with desire to embrace all there is for me to learn even as my soul tells me i am not anywhere near ready.