tonight seventeen/eighteen year olds are celebrating their release from high school. that wonderful thing called, grad.
when is the point where one suddenly looks with more fondness and desirability on the past?
i am feeling so old..i am feeling so very old, like i've passed through some beautiful country only to realize from the stories of others that i missed something here and something there. and not in a good way, where everyone exchanges insight. but in a bad way, like my focus was completely off and i've nothing constructive nor meaningful to add.
wrapped up in this, the feeling that i continue to strike out. i grab hold of feelings that just don't add up, which are completely based on my own assumptions.
this evening there were a few of these altercations with keirnan..and i dogg-paddled my way, steady.
but then i went to my sister's for a visit and my parents came as well. my mother was in a 'mood'..kinda pissed off, kinda anxious. she said one thing, i said something to counter this idea..she said, i know, i know that already, that's what i said. i said, no that's not what you said. she said(hands in hair, hands flapping in air), oh man, i know already!
it's as if i am 11 again in that one moment my composure is buffetted so greatly. why can't i fill the void she left..why is it set up that i as the child would know my self worth primarily, basely from my parents? it seems like such a fucking cosmic joke. how can i pass on what my children need then? and where there is void in them...that tears me up so, my soul is like ribbons in the breeze.
but i'm not 11, i am 30. and this 30 year old stood up after enduring 15 minutes of small talk and one temper tantrum(s.) and said her good nights.
i cried as i drove home, but i didn't dissolve, i didn't embrace the sharp rocks on that path.
mother's day prep is always stressful for me. my sister and i went to buy some roses for ma because they are her favs. one dozen, 6 red 6 white. and then we decided to get a card. i hate getting the card. it takes forever to find one that is not full of flowery empty verse when applied to my mother's mothering.
this day always brings back a stinging memory. an arguement about something or another, agonizing over the 'perfect' card, giving it to her and she all happy, another arguement with her pointing to the card and screaming all that i said in there is a lie, me grabbing the card and ripping it up in front of her face, storming away so angry, so sad.
and that is that, as they say.
i have eight short years with my eldest son and then he will be celebrating that thing called, grad. i will be 38 years old. will i have learned something to celebrate as well?
when will the truth: appreciate what you have in the present, finally sink in? god willing i won't need eight years to learn it.
i've been taking ativan at night..this is the third prescription and the only one i've followed through to actually taking. i was having these awful pains in my throat; when i would breathe in while lying down it felt like my throat nerves were just 'alive', but my throat was not sore and i had no cough at all. upon examination the doctor said, clinically i am healthy but some bloodwork and a chest x-ray would help as well. if anything shows abnormal, he will call but i doubt i will hear from him. my throat is fine now and i've had the best three sleeps in a long time. he said himself that with the amount of tension he felt in my upper body, that i was a panic attack gearing up to happen.
my therapist, who i shall refer to from now on as f.(for freud), told me that while i might academically accept something and might be trying to work that out in my life, there will be residual feelings..fallout, so to speak.
somehow i know i will always have fallout to deal with on days like mother's day, in dealing with things like driving out of my comfort zone and other anxiety causing issues. the real challenge is being able to make it only part of my life, not the whole.
however, that brings yet another question: if fallout is no longer my whole life, my whole thought then what will happen to me?