i wanted to say a little something in reference to entry, "the girl that was".
it was quite freeing to write that because now i can continue to write in a more honest way..what problems i have encountered and what ways i've buried things and in what ways i've used my fears.
this incident i thought was long buried..i had told only my husband, then boyfriend about it. in fact, i had stretched the truth and said there had been a weapon. so as to make it less my fault, i suppose. to explain the fact that i didn't fight back, really. not only to him, either..i was making up explanations to myself, too.
and like my therapist said, it wasn't my fault this happened to me. i cannot take responsibility for other people's actions. but. but there is always the but..
this past spring, some guy drunk or not, mentally sound or not, decided he would masturbate while watching me through my kitchen windows. i was chatting on the phone, just saying goodbye while starting my big closet clean-up when the dog growled from the living room causing me to glance up and look through the kitchen windows..and there he was, arm a-pumpin.
i thought i was seeing things at first, so i leaned closer. there was no mistaking it at all. he ws in full view of the lamplight, even. he stepped back behind what he thought was the cover of the branches of the tree which is in front of my windows. from where he was it certainly looked as if it were cover, but from where i stood it most certainly was not.
i dialed 911.
then he knew i saw him, so he stuffed himself back in, with a 'everyday happening' attitude..like he hadn't been doing what he'd been doing and started to walk down the alley. i followed him and looked through the next window and then again i watched him through my big window, which is taller than me. this is when he started to walk faster, little glances over his shoulder towards the house.
i was talking with the officer at this time, giving a description as best i could. i stayed at the window and what do you know? he walked out of the shadows to go back in the alley. only he saw me, so he changed direction and went down the road..but then he thought he'd come back up the other side. again he saw me, but this time he didn't come back.
this guy was never caught. and a few days later, i couldn't say for sure exactly what he looked like. my only defense is that he knew i saw him.
the summer before, the sensor lights at the back of the house were unscrewed slightly so that, of course, they would not work. and one evening later that week after coming home from running errands, i noticed keirnan's big ladder set up in front of the front door windows.
in my mind these two incidences, along with the car which was stopped at the corner of my fence whose driver backed up to get a better look at me when i poked my head out the door, are connected somehow.
the great cosmic conspiracy against mea.