stupid.
i hate the feeling.
especially damn fucking stupid. the kind of stupid that can kill people or seriously fuck them up.
there's this woman who doesn't cross the street in a no-light crosswalk unless there are no cars coming whatsoever. she will not cross in front of you while you are stopped with engine gently purring. she will wave you on and cross after you have passed. and when she is crossing at a lighted crosswalk, she runs across like her life is at stake.
and maybe at one time was. one of her arms is tucked up and across her chest, all the time. it seems she is blind or has compromised vision in one eye. coupled with her phobia of crosswalks, i have in my own scenarioanalytic way pronounced her as the one time victim of a pedestrian-car accident.
so here i am breaking one of the top ten logical driving laws, going round someone stopped at a crosswalk..with only a quick look at the crosswalk and thinking the person in front of me a dork for not signaling to turn, at least.
and as i pass out in front of him, gaining speed over the crosswalk, out of the corner of my eye i see movement, i turn slightly and i see this same woman with a phobia of crossing the street in front of cars at a no-light crosswalk, hurrying, concentration and worry in her face..she's not five feet from my vehicle.
i feel like utter shit. i know i should feel like utter shit..i could have hit her. i could have altered her life, her family's life, her friends' lives in the most serious and debilitating way.
all because i chose to drive a little hungry and a little tired and full of arrogance.
god.
and to top it all off, i am a coward. i didn't stop to apologize, at least and as the guy who was stopped to let her pass caught up to me, i was litterally shaking, thinking he might follow me to the store, he might get out of his car and he might just tell me what an outright ass of a human being i am.
or maybe he took my license plate number and i will have to face the police..which is totally justified.
i'm just feeling worried about the trauma i caused this woman, so bad about missing my moment of truth with this woman, worried about facing the police if it comes to that, feeling shitty about what could have happened or in other words the sheer gravity of the situation and just in general wishing i could take the whole thing back.