so, it's been a while.
i was going to reflect..analytically, of course..how it seems that though thoughts still course through this brain of mine, i have no feel to write them down, get them out.
but really, i am simply swallowing them..there is no bottle-neck slowing the stream, breaking things up in transition. no, there is only pride, only fear, only self-doubt to blame.
i am feeling like a new chapter is opening up in the book of my life, something that i damn well should document considering all the despair, loneliness and anxiety i've written out of me in the past -and surely will again in the future. but i just can't get past the feeling that doing so will a)make me look a holy fool b)set me up for great hypocrisy and pride and c)in the end be of no use to anyone at all, not even to myself...in other words, a grand waste of time.
maybe that's it, then, right there..the grand expectation. this is what is holding me back from expressing myself? the idea that i, mea, will not make a damn difference to other people? is it just me, or have you read this before..different space, different time, same fuel.