i am feeling quite down right now, having just come from church and from feeling cleansed, joyful and full of good purpose. i know that this good state is not ruined, because it is the deeper water which can't really be disturbed unless i let it..but still it is a disappointment.
i cried and prayed to God that i might find the reason in myself for the altercation. the only thing i can come up with is to be less guarded for the hurt which will eventually come. i don't understand! i don't want to be hurt, i don't want to have what i said (my feelings regarding something he said or did) become twisted into my problem..which is inevitably what happens.
the yelling, the swearing and me strong until i can no longer stand the way he is talking about me or to me..
we were supposed to step back from an altercation, we were supposed write down a time to discuss it later when we are both less heated. that didn't happen. old habits die hard deaths.
what a frantic circle..it is hard to keep hope alive that this relationship will change for the better.
i am just so tired.
but, at least this is prime reliance on God time. if nothing else, my idea that i can do it myself is taking a mindful beating.