i've spent the last two nights on the couch. i can't stand this man right now. i can barely make my tone civil and sometimes i slip. thank the lord above, he's gone to work and i have a bit of respite. i will not sway from my course. if this is the undoing of the marriage, fine. i will not stand to be treated like shit and go on like nothing happened and all is a-ok. we have an appointment for marriage counseling on june 11, so perhaps things are not as dreary as they seem. still, i am not going to be shown that i am deserving of this deviant behaviour. he wants control or whatever..he has his problems and wishes to blame everything and all but himself. perhaps that would be too painful. so instead, lets beat down the spirits of wife and children. only, of course, he doesn't see it that way..all he sees is himself and his feelings and how he is treated so very badly. it is almost laughable when he calls me on my own self interest, my bubble as he names it. he can't be shown anything other than what he sees..a closed mind.
for showing a bit of attitude (day before yesterday) i got called a bitch and swore at, but the worst part was him saying, i will not apologize, i meant what i said. i felt badly for my slip of the tongue and apologized for that. he said, sorry doesn't cut it. right now he says i've used up all my chances - of being treated with some respect, i guess? - because for the past ten years i've been nothing but a bitch to him. well, i suppose that was the reason i broke up with him before we were married. i suppose that's why i fell in love with someone else three years ago now..because i'm such a bitch and i've got such problems. my poor husband, born a century too late.
what a fucking prick.
my fantasies are all about leaving..are all about not having his contant anger present in my life. his constant nit picking. his constant unsatisfaction. what an unhappy man he is and he falsely believes that things and persons around him will make him happy if only the right things are done, the right attitude is had, the right things are said.
i'm so sick of it all. for some reason he seems to think that i don't want him to have feelings. no. i just don't wish to be abused by them. the same thing he wishes from me. the same thing i must do or i pay with a tongue lashing.
he says that i can't communicate. one of his favorite things to say is: having a problem communicating? sometimes he is right and i am having a problem communicating my feelings. but, this comes from the same man who doesn't get his "affection" the way he wants it, or i didn't come to bed early enough so i can spend time with him, or he didn't get fucked and delivers the cold shoulder, the short and curt replies, ignoring me and not letting me know what the problem is or what his feelings are. quite the communication expert. a hypocritical apporach..he just doesn't seem to see that i have the same feelings and that he only makes things worse when he acts that way. this is the kicker: he's not interested in communicating his feelings(because it's not about communicating feelings, it's about listening and doing as he says. period.), he's just interested in making someone pay, blaming someone for the way he feels. the same things i do when i get upset, the same things i only realized recently that i do. and who pointed them out? keirnan. funny how we see the things we especially don't like in those around us.
one day i will be gone (i won't say, if things don't get better) and wouldn't it be that my anxiety slowly lessens? wouldn't it be that my self-esteem truly grows and establishes itself?
i don't need to ask myself these questions, i know the answers. however there are the children to consider..the pros and cons, the never ending questions. will they learn the inflexibility of institution or what comes from the hardening of hearts? will they be damaged by the unhappy bonds their parents keep taught or will they learn that bonds fraying eventually break anyway?
i know i have a problem with communicating my feelings..funnily, it's mostly with him. i know i have a rough tongue, i can say some pretty stinging things. i know that my attitude sometimes sucks. i know that i can be angry at the drop of a hat, for little things. the difference between keirnan and i, is i know all that and i don't blame anyone but myself for my weaknesses in character. i don't want to stay stuck in the rut of unhappiness, anger, impatience and stress...keirnan seems to feel safe there.
so we have the clear case of one partner moving on and struggling to be better, the other still stuck in the muck of criticism and other anger inducing habits, without hope because he's tried so many times before, but the desired result did not materialize, the conditions were not condusive to this. in some sense i see my responsibility there.
it does not change the facts though..he is still a prick, still uncompromising, still very full of anger and frustration and still blames a lot of his unhappiness on yours truly. this state of affairs will not continue on indefinitely.